We are both off work for the summer so we can easily split up the car ride and stop and get a hotel for. Dont try totalk yourself into thinking that itdoesnt matter orthat they didnt mean anything byit. But, sometimes there are letters that just make me want to scream. Security at casinos is greater than that at Fort Knox. Of course, it also relates to what the right wing media say, and its super-hard to tackle. To give the LW the tools she needs to see if this is something she can work through to save her marriage and save her career. Their convention centers are clean, there are plenty of facilities for customer parties, etc. Unless OP has a history of partying hard and getting black-out drunk (which doesnt seem to be the case), I think theres little to worry about here. On a larger scale, I see a couple of concerning things here. However, she expresses that love with some convoluted discussion about the risk of driving a car 8 miles from our home to downtown. If my husband were on a trip to Vegas, Id be fine with it, but if he were going with his coworker, Id probably want to tag along. At work? I went for the first time over the summer. My company sent managers to Las Vegas last February for a corporate business trip for three days. Of course people can get into trouble in Las Vegas. So were you on the east or west side of the Hellmouth? It is. I posted above about his great and powerful They. The Everybody who agrees with him. Or that he heard more agreement than was really being given by his friends? And, damn, every time I hear about kidnapping, it seems to be in Ohio or Mississippi, not places considered hotbeds of crime in US pop culture. I couldnt be with someone this domineering and controlling. My mom has cooled off a bit now that Im almost 40 (!! Yes, this. Think of it this way if you give in on this to avoid conflict, what will be next? That is not rational and that is not how business or marriages work. Its adult Disneyland with spendy big-name restaurants, booze and slot machines, at this point. According to my in-laws, any apartment within walking distance of a Mexican restaurant had to be in a horrible and crime-infested part of town. Kidnappings, someone spiking your drink, etc. The whole letting her go thing could be controlling or abusive, but it could also refer less to physical ability to go there and more not letting her go in peace, or without a bunch of needy whining adult tantrums. You shouldnt be in a position to chose your career (which has very normal career expectations) and your marriage (which seems to have some very not normal expectations). You are married to someone who spent three days while you were traveling for work burdening you withgroundless questions about your conduct. Also conferences in Vegas are soul-crushingly awful and boring. Agreeded theres some heavy selection bias in that sample. (Be prepared to be as fair-minded when it is your . Have never felt nervous yet. Yes, this could actually be what he really is freaking out about, in my experience. There are some cultures where marriage is really about the blending of two families. You can use this space to go into a little more detail about your company. It reminds me of what my parents always said to stop me doing things. OPs husband sounds like my mom. I have a friend that refuses to go to Vegas because he believes its the modern Sodom and Gomorrah. Im not diagnosing at all. He was worried about me, because I was over worked and only had about 4 hours of sleep per night. I usually find that veiled anxiety/fear of minorities is at the root of cities are dangerous and scary and you must never go out after dark fears, but rarely is it veiled so thinly. Unless, its a SERIOUSLY homogeneous group, whichis possibleunfortunately. Thats not how this works!! Well the place was built by mobsters to skin the rubes in casinos . I go on a vacation with my sisters, or go to my cousins house in PA. We enjoy the time apart. OP will just run herself ragged reinforcing his fears. Not going on this trip will not save your marriage; I suspect this happens in other situations too or will in the future. Echoing this. The only sides are you both addressing a bad frame of reference that your spouse has. He may make it seem like you are choosing your career over your marriage, which of course causes you to feel guilty, but as my good friend said recently youre not choosing your career over him, youre choosing yourself over him. Im trying to take that advice to heart OP, hope you can too! I trust that the letter writer would be able to better identify whether or not thats the case here, and trust shell be able to address it appropriately with a skilled counselor. I mean There isnta rash of kidnappings in Las Vegas, and what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas is an advertising slogan forcollege students and weddingparties, not a warning to spousesof business travelers. Spiking drinks, assault, kidnapping happen in tiny places as well as large places. By contrast, I spent a week this summer at a conference in a not-doing-so-well midwestern city. Youre not choosing your career over your marriage when you take three days to sit in a conference hall, for chrissake. If this is anxiety, OCD, or any other disorder then therapy for himself is absolutely necessary. If I got raped on travel, Id still be the same person when I came home; its an injury and itd make some things inconvenient, its unpleasant to think about, Id need to get STD tests before we were intimate again, and Id need some hugs from him once I got home, but getting raped is not the end of the world. If anything those are probably among the safer places in the country. His response is not reasonable except in AAMs answer. If your husband wont go to counseling, go alone. Why would you visit Vegas when you live in NOLA, unless it was for work. Ive been to far more dangerous places. They are readily available and heavily marketeda sudden whim or fancy could be a reality very quickly. If I had to plan something like this myself, itd be at the top of my list for a lot of very practical reasons. I have no problem with him going to week-long management training or long weekends away for bachelor parties. He needs to get help and you need to do whats best for you and your career (and your sanity!). Be bored, and be boring: This is not a debate, this is a fact deal with it but stated calmly, not aggressively. I hope that isnt what this turns out to be, but whatever it is, its not good. I hope this topic can also help someone else facing simalry issues. We went off the beaten track and it was just like any other city. (Overeating or eating rich foods, drinking, drugs, gambling, or sex?) Somehow everyone turns into a sexual predator after dark. Usually these things build up over time and abusive relationships (even if not intentionally abusive even if the partner really does have anxiety or whatever and is not TRYING to be controlling!) Bonus was that the skills I learned translate to my professional and personal life *every day*. My grandmother pays for the trip. We also were both active-duty for the first couple years we were together. I understand everyones points of view completely, just a couple questions and I apologize if theyve already been asked and answered 1) but is it possible that he go too 2) my spouse travels monthly, I hate it. Fiance knew this, but he was taking no chances. Jealous? If its an issue that they dont trust OP, that probably needs counseling. Access to prostitutes, drugs, extramarital affairs, and excessive drinking and shenanigans is available pretty much in every town and city. I read letters like this, and I realize how fortunate both my husband and I are, because its got to be miserable to live with this level of mistrust and anxiety. Im not so sure its abuse, to be honest. (Great people that I wish I could work with.no real role for me in what they do, though.). I dont think that would help the situation, however. He wants me to refuse to go, but I think I could lose my position in the company or be treated differently. A few years back my older sister went to LV on a business trip with others. I was bottle feeding at the time and would simply feed as my SO drove as well as changed diapers at either gas stops or just quickly in the car versus making 30-45 min stops. Him: Yeah, she does this every couple of months, and it never lasts. It blows my mind that people see this as acceptable behaviour. Its a lot less horrendous than deglove, whats the issue? And its going to be a problem in your relationship whether you go on the trip or not. Other National Geographic Family Journeys from G Adventures include bucket-list family vacation destinations like Iceland, Japan, South Africa, Peru, Costa Rica, Morocco, and Vietnam. All of us can comment all we want about how innocuous this trip is, and how much of an overreaction this is, but it doesnt change the facts from where youre sitting. So theyre officially still working there. Mind you, I never told them that they shouldnt go (did tell my wife at the WTF? One woman I met recently on a week-long work trip said it was the longest time shed been apart from her husband in 15 years. Thank you so much for your response! You dont deserve to be treated that way. He can be kind of inflexible about certain things so the fact that this is 180 degrees from where it was should give you hope. Lets just say that the memo made it clear that there WAS going to be a LOT of partying of all sorts. Be direct, and even brutally honest: Im not having this conversation (& hang up); Im not doing this again (& walk away); Im not changing my mind; Im not negotiating Im giving you the facts Basically, lots of Im not/I cant/I wont statements that are all about you and your limits. Furthermore, Vegas ALSO markets itself as a family vacation and business conference destination. You travel with the rest of the managers in your company, and I would assume many of them have spouses (and presumably most are able to handle behaving like a responsible adult). My husband is just glad he doesnt have to go with me, because more than a couple of days in Las Vegas is like being stuck inside a kaleidoscope. It's not super fun, but not a nightmare either. Were in counseling together though, which is one of the reasons hes gotten better. Vegas and Orlando are excellent places for corporate retreats because theyre relatively cheap to fly to and theyre set up for this kind of thing. Also, if the OP is there for work, chances are shell be in meetings all day and then answering emails in her room at night. Work trips tend to not be fun because you spend the whole time WORKING and have no time to go out and have fun. :P. The drunk human traffickers are trafficking the dealers! If youre happier and more successful without him, and what he brings to the table isnt enough anymore, its okay to opt out. of course im very careful around others who drink and make it a point to be responsible and not get carried away, kwim? I was just coming here to ask if she asked him to Turn his key!. You just cant. Or its an indication that they live in a different culture than the one you know. Things to consider!! The next obvious thing is, we all get to be as irrational as we want. Also, they have very little money, so we are . When my spouse was almost sent overseas on a long term work trip, I actually offered to go with him (and pay my own way) not because I was worried hed get up to something without being supervised, but because I travel frequently for work and he almost never does, so it seemed like the easiest way for me to just take care of stuff so that he wasnt stranded in a foreign airport without knowing what to do or how to make a phone call. (And there is outside reinforcement for this my MIL things Im insane for letting my 10-year-old go to the bathroom, which I can see clearly from our restaurant table, alone.) Its a him issue. Both are filled with similar anecdotes and stories. See a g- d- counsellor. On every occasion, he made rules like I could never go anywhere alone and I had to call him at a specific time every day. The conference hall manager looked at my colleaguewho requested a kosher meallike they were crazy. Oh, and I think I gambled about $20 on nickel slots. This is great, Anon Poster. I think that makes all the difference hereOP doesnt just have a grinding job. This is a man who is trying to actively sabotage her career. Go on the trip and have a drink while youre at it. Im not a fan of Las Vegas (i.e., cigarette smoke, gambling, drinking), but many (perhaps all?) One of my biggest gripes about Vegas is that most of the hotels wont allow food delivery carriers to deliver to your room. OPs husbands response is way out of line for a normal response. It would never occur to him to equate a dang business conference held anywhere outside of a strip club with sexual abandon. Trotting out the results of a bogus survey is classic manipulation, in many sectors. Yes!! I still tease her about it. Yeah, it might not be the safest if youre wandering around at night by yourself (just like anywhere, really), but aside from being irritated by the smoke in the casino areas, I had no issues whatsoever. Its just unacceptable. Group Black's collective includes Essence, The Shade Room and Naturally Curly. Thats another reason to put off discussions the information just wont register with him while hes anxious. I think its also quite possible that hes either misrepresented it to the people hes asked, misrepresented their responses to the OP, and/or hasnt actually asked as many people as hes said he has. Just recently I have found out I will be sent out again. In fact, couples counseling can be a useful path to helping a partner address individual issues that are affecting the partnership. Dont engage with his arguments. Back in the days of Usenet, this was called the lurkers support me in email, which just about sums it up. ), Yeah man, Id be super bummed if my wife went to Vegas and didnt take me with her, I freakin love Vegas!. I love her, and I know she warns me about this because she loves me and she wants me to be safe, but Im just really glad to see Im not the only one right now!! Its either anxiety or abuse, or both, or neither; and none of those things address the husbands *behaviour* or the OPs next steps. This gives me hope that one day Ill have that too! (like when one of his good friends turned 50). See some shows, enjoy some good food, go on a nice hike. If this is a regular occurrence, it could be indicative of a larger problem, such as marital strife. hahaha, further confirmation of your choice. I don't think it won't be that bad though. I have friend who grossly exaggerates the number of people who support his stance, nevermind the the biasing in surveying. For the OP, this is a marriage problem. Gift of fear is fine for some things, but lacking in partnership issues advice and perspective. But where I was from, the vast majority of the people in the regionhundreds of thousands, not just a handfulaccepted these beliefs as reasonable. And, if not, perhaps he and the OP should take a trip together there (not on one of her business trips). I have a disney pass but my husband doesn' | planDisney Me: I dunno, man, that seems pretty significant to me. Vegas does business trips right. One of my favorite Dan Savage letters was about whether they were broken up (his former girlfriends opinion) or not broken up (his preference, because it would mean he had to start dating again and who wants that bother?). The most important part of travelling alone is that your lover is on the same page as you. She is doing the heavy lifting in supporting the family and yet he wants to control and damage her control. I personally hate Vegas, but I would never question the idea of sending a business trip there because its typically the cheapest place you can gather people from offices all over the continent. Your husband is way overreacting and yall need to figure out why. I was thinking the same thing. Sorry, Im a nope here. You have a good day and thank you. Expect it to hurt, though, and to feel guilty over it. Nothing magical about Vegas. The kidnapping angle *might make sense if it wasnt Vegas but, say, Tijuana. So Vegas actually *is* pretty scandalous to a *lot* of people. And you will regret it even more if your marriage ends and you put yourself in a worse position just to appease irrational fears. Hes not Master of the House. Did I stand out? husband doesn t want to go on family vacation. I also suggested going to counseling for professional diagnosis and treatment. Absence doesnt make the heart grow fonder, it ruins relationships and I am 3 decades in. Probably he is a reasonable person, perhaps he has an anxiety problem. Theyre both really worst-case-scenarios and things that happen *to* the OP. I think the fact that hes willing to go counseling (am I reading that correctly?) He thought I should take his moms feelings into consideration and realize that I wasnt just hurting him, but his family as well, and reconsider. Do not sacrifice your career for this. Unless therapy can move him beyond this pathetic lack of respect for either her or confidence in his own worth, this is a nightmare of a lifetime to contemplate. I dont know any sex workers and it certainly would not be for me, but Im not going to clutch my pearls and start labeling other people,s choices as unwholesome and I have a big eye roll for people who do. OP can call out her husband by offering to buy a $1MM (or whatever number) life insurance policy for the duration of the vegas trip. How would it feel if you lost your job or got demoted because you stopped travelling due to his shenanigans? And, this IS an us issue: his insecurities are damaging the relationship. I could understand some concern about being on a business trip to an unfamiliar (at least somewhat) city but this sounds over the top. Scheduled calls keep him more relaxed. There is SO much more to Vegas than gambling, booze, and illicit sex. 5. Since its also a town that does very well at marketing itself as a destination for conferences (their facilities and amenities are really good, and I imagine their pricing is great because of demand is high enough to keep them low) then it makes sense that your work is choosing it as a place to send the managers since it sounds like an out of town conference is generally a thing they need to do. But it wont be easy. She thought surely I would be kidnapped in the dark parking lot. You might want to change, but also can't. If you need to go out and do things, go do those with your friends and family, or even initially-strangers via v. Only discussing the precise words given in the letter: He needs to get over this, though if for no other reason than the financial security of the family. The Rio does have huge rooms! He had experienced previous panic attacks on flights, hated the "cattle type" travel experience, and at 6'2+ was uncomfortable in the tiny airplane seats. There are tons of families and people who live in Vegas or visit Vegas and do pretty normal things. This is really weird and honestly, bordering on abusive (at the very least controlling). So its not like its all new. Nope. Even if it is a general anxiety issue, speaking as someone with plenty of personal experience with that, theres still a relationship issue here. If you miss out on a promotion or are the first let go in the layoffs because you refused to go to this conference, you will look back on this with regret. People are able to manipulate their therapists, and there are also just plain bad therapists: what if the OPs husband is in therapy already with, for example, a religious provider who reinforces his moralistic fears about Vegas? He and this whole situation is definitely unstable and unsustainable. Its just such a common conference/trade show city! On work travel, it looks like meeting rooms and the booth in the exhibit hall. We stayed at the Excalibur (the kids LOVED staying in a castle, saw the jousting show, the MGM Lions, the aquarium at Mandalay Bay, and we also took them to play games at Circus Circus. Everyone agrees with me and thinks youre unreasonable and crazy. What level of dealing with him can you actually do during these three days AND be able to focus on your work stuff? I live in a small country area where most woman are not in my position & usually give in to husbands demands whether or not it is ethical.Counsling is usually never seeked out. I do know that the way he is handling his concerns is controlling, right down to gaslighting you by saying everyone agrees with him. And honestly he would be the first to say that the breaks when Im away, and he can eat PBJ sandwiches for dinner, are refreshing for him too. If someone says they dont want to get married, theres probably a good reason in there. There are people just, everywhere, even at 2 am. If I went home today and told my husband, My work is sending me on a business trip to Las Vegas in 3 months, this would be his response: Wow, honey, thats great! And if I only believed he was in danger because I have anxiety I cant control, this wouldnt help at allin fact, it would probably make the anxiety worse. Is he anxious about everything, or just the fact that youre going to vegas? Thats an unreasonable stance. Studies show that men who are outearned by their wives and cannot cover the households bills with their own income generally act out more about their successful wives.